This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

This past week a copy of Chancellor James Schmidt’s daily schedule was leaked to The Spectator. The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that their goals are to increase transparency from the Chancellor’s Office. 

The schedule, which offers a glimpse of what Schmidt’s average day at work looks like, details events that many in the UW-Eau Claire community were unaware of. 

According to the schedule, Schmidt starts his mornings by sitting on a bench near the footbridge from 7:30 a.m. to 9 a.m. drinking coffee and enjoying the views of beleaguered students walking to their first classes. According to a side note in the schedule, Schmidt also laughs internally at the students’ misery. 

At 9:30 a.m. Schmidt enters his office and promptly sits in dark silence as he contemplates what campus building he should destroy next, according to the schedule. A side note in the schedule emphasizes that the next destroyed building should maximize the negative consequences for students. 

According to Alex Madeup, a receptionist for the Chancellor’s Office, Schmidt’s time in the office is as secretive as possible. 

“No comment on the schedule leak,” Madeup said. “Off-the-record though, I’m forbidden from looking him in the eyes when he enters the office and for that first hour when he arrives I have to lock the door behind him and put blackout curtains over the windows, weird stuff if you ask me.” 

At the time of publishing, Madeup retracted his earlier comments. 

“Chancy Jim is a normal guy, just like you and me,” Madeup said. “He arrives at 8:45 a.m. and does university business until 5 p.m. then he does normal people things.” 

The next item in the day, according to the schedule, is media availability from 11 a.m. to 11:20 a.m. A side note on the entry only read, “no comment.” 

The Chancellor’s Office was reached for comment per the media availability time established, but no contact was able to be made due to the receptionist being absent. When 11:20 a.m. passed, Schmidt opened his office door and said, “No comment.”

Kathy Stranger, a professor in the fictitious department, said that Schmidt’s work habits do not surprise her. 

“When the chancellor got hired on here, my friends at his old institution reached out to me and said prepare for the unexplainable,” Stranger said. “Of course, after years of him working here, it’s just gotten normal seeing him appear out of nowhere only to rant about Blu, water features and how funny it is watching students struggle to get to class in sub-zero temperatures.”

According to the schedule, the final event in Schmidt’s day is spent from 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. going golfing with donors. 

According to Schmidt, this three-hour event is a great way to advance university interests. 

“Thanks to our passionate donors, these little social events usually drum up hundreds of thousands of dollars in funds for a variety of efforts to improve our campus,” Schmidt said. “Projects such as the water feature, the footbridge plants and the new welcome center would be impossible without the continued support of our trusted donors.” 

Brad Fake, a local businessman and donor, said that he found Schmidt’s statement “hilarious.”

“Jimbo said that? That rascal,” Fake said, laughing. “He takes all of us big money people out on the golf course once a week, liquors us up and starts really giving us the spiel about tax breaks.” 

According to Fake, his most recent donation will free up some money to buy his third set of TaylorMades come tax season. 

The leak of Schmidt’s schedule has not come as much of a surprise to most students. According to Sammy Madeup, a fourth-year fictitious studies student, they stopped caring about Schmidt after their second semester on campus. 

“I mean when I first got here everyone was ranting about how great Chancy Jimbo was,” Madeup said. “Now that I’ve been here for a while I can say that I don’t really get it, he just does his thing and makes a lot of money, it’s not like I ever see him anyways.” 

Adams can be reached at [email protected].