This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Every day, students file in and out of Phillips Hall, expanding their scientific minds through research and labs. Every night, ghoulish creatures have the building to themselves.

Phillips’s 58-year tenure on campus is coming to a close. Students will have a new space for scientific endeavors, but the ghouls are worried about their place on campus, according to Patricia Rumsfeld, a 57th-year Phillips ghost.

“I’ve been here since the building was new,” Rumsfeld said, via Ouija board interview. “Where am I supposed to go?”

Rumsfeld said she passed while taking a geography exam — no pun intended — and has been trapped in Phillips ever since.

According to Rumsfeld, the campus “doesn’t care” about its ghost residents. Phillips has been overpopulated this year since the Katherine Thomas and Putnam Hall ghosts were relocated.

“They could choose between Hibbard and Phillips,” Rumsfeld said. “Obviously most of them chose here. The Hibbard ghosts are pretentious, always talking about poetry and how much they miss the Joynt.”

Hibbard is a poor destination for ghosts, also because of its sweltering winter temperature, Rumsfeld said. Ghosts don’t have bodies, she said, and still nearly sweat to death in there.

Jonathan Allegedly, vice chancellor of paranormal affairs, said the campus has worked out a plan.

“Hibbard has plenty of room,” Allegedly said. “The ghosts will have access to every floor. I know change is difficult, but this is the best decision for everyone — living and dead.”

Rumsfeld said Allegedly doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

“They (campus officials) can’t just stuff us into tiny rooms like we’re sardines,” Rumsfeld said. “What does he think we are, first-year students?”

James Abernathy, a 15th-year Phillips ghost, said he’s furious.

“Campus thinks it’s haunted now,” Abernathy said. “Just wait and see if they go through with this.”

Abernathy said he passed when Phillips’s sinking caused him to fall down three flights of stairs, so he understands the need for change, but doesn’t think UW-Eau Claire has thought everything through.

Ghosts aren’t the only spooky residents affected by Phillips’s demolition. Horace Bancroft, a third-year biology student and vampire, said he feels betrayed.

When Bancroft first arrived, he said campus welcomed him with open arms, offering alternative housing to accommodate his vampiric needs.

“I was worried I’d be ostracized by my peers once they realized I’m an undead blood-sucking creature,” Bancroft said. “UW-Eau Claire told me I could live in Phillips so I could be myself.”

Allegedly said it’s a lack of communication causing concern.

“We’ve thought everything through in excruciating detail,” Allegedly said. “They just need to trust us.”

The ghosts and vampires are working on a protest, according to Rumsfeld, but are having difficulty organizing.

“It’s tough because we’re invisible and can’t hold picket signs,” Rumsfeld said. “Then the vampires can’t go out when the sun is out, but nobody will see us at night.”

According to Abernathy, other creatures are concerned — including the birds, who can’t speak English.

“We also thought there was a zombie or two wandering around, but turns out they were just overworked STEM students,” Abernathy said.

Johnson can be reached at [email protected].