This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Thanksgiving, at UW-Eau Claire, is the first break of the school year. Most students will flee in search of family, friends, food and free time.

The people of UW-Eau Claire have mixed emotions about this break, according to multiple sources.

Tim Harding:

The first-year Spanish student said he is thrilled about the break.

“I hate it here so much,” Harding said. “My dorm is gross, my roommate is grosser and classes are so annoying.”

According to Harding, he was pumped to start school. Now that he’s in the mix, it isn’t nearly as great as he thought it would be.

Harding said he’s most excited about showering without sandals, sleeping alone in a room and eating good food.

“Last week at the caf,” Harding said, “I ate a peanut butter sandwich because everything else looked so gross. I’m allergic to peanuts — and gluten.”

Life on campus is not easy, Harding said. The break will provide a much-needed chance to escape for a few days.

Jennifer Rider:

The first-year student is looking forward to everything about break — except the ride home.

“I’m from Michigan,” Rider said. “Finding a ride was hard. The only person I know from my hometown is my mom’s friend’s girlfriend’s therapist’s cousin’s dog trainer’s real estate agent’s yoga instructor’s mom’s clown school classmate’s taxidermist’s karaoke duet partner’s brother.”

It’s an eight-hour drive, Rider said. The person who’s driving her is practically a stranger, but seems “really weird.”

Rider said she misses her dog and family, but wishes she bought a plane ticket instead.

Alex Friend:

The first-year business student isn’t sure how he feels about the break.

“On the one hand, I get to see my family and eat some grub,” Friend said. “But on the other hand, what if I miss out on some crazy parties?”

According to Friend, his time in Eau Claire has been the best few months of his life. He’s “partied harder than ever before” and made a lot of great friends. If he leaves, he said, he’ll have terrible FOMO if any cool stuff happens.

“My cousins can’t hang,” Friend said. “And my parents won’t let me drink with them. So I guess I’ll just be bored instead.”

Friend said his cousins are in middle school, and his parents are middle-aged, so he’s really hoping his friends from back home can keep up with him.

“At least it’ll be nice to do laundry,” Friend said. “Three months without clean clothes has gotten rough.”

Tonya Scholar:

The first-year English student said she’s “perturbed” about the break.

“I’ve changed a great deal since embarking on this academic odyssey we call ‘college,’” Scholar said. “I fear maintaining the relationships I once possessed may be superfluous.”

Scholar said her friends and family are “Irie but simple folk,” and her newly acquired knowledge and prestige might not click with them.

“In essence, I’ve emerged from my cocoon,” Scholar said. “The logical result is to soar onto new beginnings — not return to the ground.”

James Schmidt:

The chancellor is “relieved” about the break.

“Finally, I can stop wearing these ridiculous suits,” Schmidt said. “And get back to what I like wearing — crop tops, cargo shorts and Crocs.”

Schmidt said the break is much needed — he can’t wait to go back to his mom’s house to do laundry.

“She’s just so much better at it than I am,” Schmidt said.

Sleeping in a twin XL bed is bad on his back, according to Schmidt. He also said if he has another teriyaki bowl, he’s going to lose it.

Schmidt said he likes UW-Eau Claire, but he likes Thanksgiving break even more.

Johnson can be reached at [email protected].