This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

A special guest came to Eau Claire last weekend and didn’t like what he saw.

Santa Claus came to town when he heard about Pickle Christmas, he said, thinking it’d be a fun, wholesome time, then promptly canceled Christmas.

“It was a nightmare,” Santa said. “I thought I had seen naughty before, but it was worse than anything I could have imagined.”

Pickle Christmas is one of the several annual Pickle holidays, according to the Pickle’s Instagram, when the bars open at 9 a.m. for a day of drinking.

Last Saturday, Dec. 3, Santa said he arrived in Eau Claire, excited to celebrate.

“At first, I thought it would be fun,” Santa said. “Christmas only comes once a year, so I think it’s great that people decide to have fun in the weeks before.”

According to Gertrude Claus, also known as Mrs. Claus, Santa’s other half, Santa hasn’t been himself since.

“He’s been crying a lot, hanging his head in his hands,” Mrs. Claus said. “It’s really a shame. Normally, he’s ecstatic for the big day.”

Santa said the decision wasn’t made lightly. He’s never canceled Christmas — not even during natural disasters or world wars.

“I feel bad, letting all the nice people down,” Santa said. “But my goodness, people of Eau Claire, what the hell is wrong with you?”

According to Santa, Christmas will likely resume next year, but Eau Claire is officially on the naughty list.

“Kids running all over the place, embarrassing themselves,” Santa said. “Using my name — the day I created to spread joy and giving to the world — as an excuse to binge drink and act like menaces. I’m never coming back.”

Santa said he’s astonished that Pickle Christmas is even legal.

According to Denice Mythological, director of Eau Claire County’s Having A Good Time department (HAGT), Santa’s overreacting.

“Listen,” Mythological said, “just because Santa can’t hang with us, doesn’t make us ‘naughty.’ We’re just having fun. That’s what Christmas is all about.”

When asked for comment, Santa disagreed. He said Christmas is about “kindness and compassion,” and Pickle Christmas doesn’t abide by that.

“Having a good time? I went to She-nannigans,” Santa said. “First of all, what is the hyphen for? Second of all, I lost my favorite pair of boots because I couldn’t pry them off the sticky floors. On my way out, I walked by the speakers and now fear I may never hear a sleigh bell again.”

Manny Nope, manager at the Pickle, said he feels bad about Santa’s woes. Nope loves Christmas and Santa, so hearing he isn’t a fan of Eau Claire’s tribute to the holiday broke his heart.

“Christmas is my favorite holiday,” Nope said. “Pickle Christmas is my second favorite. I would never want to ruin anybody’s Christmas spirit. I’m not hungover, because I was working, but I’m deeply regretful.”

Allegedly, Santa isn’t telling the full story. Jen Fake, a Pickle Christmas attendee, said Santa is being a hypocrite.

“He just has the ‘Sunday scaries,’” Fake said. “I did a shotski with him at Brothers.”

Fake said Santa was having as much fun as the rest of the people on Water Street last Saturday, partying all night long. Now, she said, he’s taking his hangover-fueled shame out on Eau Claire.

Santa denied Fake’s allegations.

“I would never do that,” Santa said while wearing sunglasses indoors and drinking a bloody Mary at Dooley’s. “I wouldn’t lie like that, and I think I’d remember doing a shotski.”

This is a developing story.

Johnson can be reached at [email protected].