This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

UW-Eau Claire students in need of a fake ID now have an accessible and reputable source, according to third-year criminal justice student Antonio Imaginary.

Imaginary has been working at Blugold Card Services located in Blugold Central in the Davies Student Center since it reopened at the beginning of January. ID printing and distribution is an on-campus position available to all students, according to Imaginary.

“I only make $7.25 an hour, but this is a great resume builder,” Imaginary said. “I know I could get in trouble for this interview with the government and stuff, but all publicity is good publicity, and I need to start getting my name out there.”

Imaginary said prices are about the same as most distributors, but the IDs come out looking as realistic as state-issued IDs, thanks to Blugold Card Services’ partnership with the UW-Eau Claire Police Department.

According to Sergeant Kristin Scam of the UW-Eau Claire Police Department, parking tickets are not bringing in the same amount of revenue for the school as they used to. 

She said students are sick of walking across the bridge when they cannot find a spot in the Davies lot, so they just turn around and go home.

“The profit the school’s already made off the IDs isn’t an amount I’d have imagined in my wildest dreams,” Scam said. “Not to mention that all this money is a great way to supplement my income. I mean, that’s the reason I agreed to work on this project.”

Scam said the city’s police department is either unaware of Blugold Card Services or chooses to turn a blind eye, but she has her suspicions.

“No one’s really sure if they know or not. Personally, I think they’re sick of the paperwork from giving underages,” Scam said.

According to Imaginary, procuring a fake ID is as easy as getting a normal Blugold card. All students need to do is go to Blugold Central, fill out an information form, pay the worker at the desk then pick up their ID later that day.

The same photo can be used for both a student’s Blugold ID and their school-issued fake ID, according to Imaginary.

“The photo quality of the Blugold cards is so bad anyways, they look like driver’s license photos,” Imaginary said. “It’s a great time saver.”

First-year architecture student Olivia Madeup said she has no regrets about purchasing a fake ID from the school.

“House parties were already getting old, and it’s only my second semester,” Madeup said. “I’m sick of drinking out of disposable water bottles, too. A plastic cup is such a step up.”

Madeup said the first place she tried out her new ID was The Pickle, a bar infamous for confiscating fake IDs, and she got past the bouncer without a hitch.

“He didn’t even look at me funny,” Madeup said. “With my old one, they’d bend it a couple times and ask my zip code, and that was the freshman bars in Madison. It wouldn’t have stood a chance on Water Street.”

Drinking underage was part of the fun, according to Madeup, but she said after narrowly avoiding an underage drinking charge in September, she is happy to give up that aspect of the excitement.

“Who knew carrying a Busch Apple on the sidewalk could get you in trouble? Thankfully I ran track in high school.”

Madeup said she encourages all underage students interested in the party scene to invest in a school-issued fake ID.

“It’s the best choice I’ve made all year,” said Madeup. “I found out last weekend that some drinks even get cherries. I never knew mixing alcohol could taste so good.”

Price can be reached at [email protected].