This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The new semester has begun at UW-Eau Claire and there is a glaring divide between two groups of students: those living in the dorms and those living off-campus. 

According to John Fake, a second-year fictional studies student who is a resident assistant at Governors Hall, his residents have returned to campus full of “joy.”

“It’s so heartwarming to see all of the students return to campus,” Fake said. “With break over, they’ve come back ready to hang out with all their friends.” 

With meal plans and heating all covered under housing plans, Fake said that his residents are all living care-free.

Emma Madeup, a first-year basketweaving student, was puzzled when asked about utility bills and groceries. 

“Xcel Energy? Is that some sort of spreadsheet app?” Madeup said. “What do you mean buying and cooking your own food? I just go to Hilltop.” 

According to Madeup, the only stress she faces is whether to use her block meal for a teriyaki bowl or a smoothie. 

Danny Fictitious, a fourth-year basketweaving with an emphasis in underwater student, said that he is currently debating whether to buy groceries or pay his Xcel bill. 

“On one hand I’d like to be able to eat something other than ramen,” Fictitious said. “On the other hand though, I definitely need to be able to pay this bill and still have enough to make rent at the end of the month.” 

According to Fictitious, he has taken several measures to cut costs to bring his Xcel bill down. 

“First thing I did was start boarding up my windows,” Fictitious said. “That led to better insulation, but then I had to find cheap ways to heat my place.” 

The next logical step was to start burning trash according to Fictitious. 

“This takes out two birds with one stone,” Fictitious said. “Now I don’t have to pay anything for heat or for trash.” 

According to Johnny Anonymous, Fictitious’ neighbor, the stench has penetrated the whole block. 

“I get that you gotta do what you gotta do,” Anonymous said. “I just wish he thought of getting a part-time job before he decided to go full health and safety risk.” 

Anonymous, who also works at the fire department, said that he’s thought about citing Fictitious but ultimately decided against it due to not wanting to see how far Fictitious would go to scrape up money if faced with a fine. 

According to Fake, he’s decided to stay as a resident assistant to avoid the issues plaguing his off-campus friends. 

“I just really don’t want to resort to picking between food and heat during the winter,” Fake said. “As much as it pains me to say this, I’ve just grown numb to the bland taste of Hilltop food.” 

Madeup said that the daunting future of having to live outside of university housing has not phased her. 

“I don’t really see how living with five of my friends on Water Street will be difficult,” Madeup said. “We’ll have our own rooms and plus we can just hang out all day.” 

Adams can be reached at [email protected].