This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The spring semester traditionally begins with a rush of footsteps in the hallways, excitement over new classes and optimism about the warm weather soon to come.

This year, however, things feel different, according to Stacy Sham, a fourth-year business administration student. 

“It’s weird, you know, that I’ve never questioned them before,” Sham said. “Those weird lockers on the upper floors of Hibbard. Why are those there?”

Sham was referencing the dusty green lockers on Hibbard’s second and third floors. Further Spectator investigation revealed that many students, faculty and staff don’t actually know what the lockers are doing there.

“They’ve just always been there, I don’t know,” Jean Lie, a UW-Eau Claire custodian, said. “They’re empty, I think. I just clean around them.”

The Spectator reporters opened some of the lockers and found them empty, however, several more are locked. 

Lie said she believes a conspiracy is being hidden by the lockers.

“It’s gotta be like, Blu’s eggs or something,” she said.

Other voices argue the lockers are much less sinister. Ellie Atoms, editor-in-chief of The Spectator, said the lockers were simply used by students looking to store their backpacks or musical instruments. 

Sham and Lie disagreed and said that answer was too obvious. Although Sham said he only noticed the lockers this semester, he has his own theories on what they might be for.

“Think about it,” Sham said. “It’s Hibbard. That building only exists to hurt. First, the staircases are packed. The freshmen in front of you are so slow. Then, you fall up the stairs and bruise your shins. Then, it’s one billion degrees in the inner rooms and freezing cold in the outer rooms.”

As for the lockers, Sham said they only exist to make things worse.

“There’s no room in those hallways. None. Everyone is bumping into each other. If one person stops to get water from the bubbler, it’s like a train wreck. The lockers are there to squeeze us all in tighter. They want us packed in. They want us late to class,” Sham said. 

Sham refused to specify who the “they” he referred to was. Lie said it obviously meant Blu, “or maybe the Eau Claire Illuminati.”

Chancellor Schmidt and Blu the Blugold both declined to comment on the situation. 

“This whole thing is being blown out of proportion,” Atoms said. “I mean, really. They’re just lockers. I don’t even know why we are covering this. It’s not newsworthy. We have actual work to do, stop wasting time with the lockers.”

When asked if she actually had any classes on Hibbard’s upper floors, Atoms declined to comment.

“Please just get back to work,” she said. 

In the meantime, Sham and Lie have decided to petition the Student Senate for “a complete and thorough investigation” into the purpose of the lockers. 

“Something’s going on here,” Sham said. “I’m so sick and tired of being so close to everybody in those locker hallways. I can’t take a single step without tripping on someone’s flare leggings. Wake up, sheeple.” 

Lie said this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to UW-Eau Claire building conspiracies. 

“Oh, we will get to the bottom of the lockers,” she said. “And then I’m coming for HSS. Who even goes there? And Centennial? Why are the room numbers so confusing? Trust me. They’re up to something.”

DeLapp can be reached at [email protected].