This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The city of Eau Claire finally decided enough is enough, according to Police Chief Alan Scam. As of last Wednesday, the Eau Claire Police Department put out a city-wide ban on red Solo cups.

“The only reports I’ve seen in the past week, week-and-a-half have been public intoxication, underage drinking or open container,” Scam said. “It’s ridiculous, and so much paperwork.”

According to Scam, the students of UW-Eau Claire have come together and, in honor of the approaching midterm exams, organized a school-wide bender.

“Red Solo cups are a necessity in drunken activities,” Scam said. “They’re going to get booze in no matter what. Solo cups though, we can really make a difference.”

Fifth-year business administration student, Susan Fabricated, said the red Solo cup ban infringes on the rights of UW-Eau Claire students.

“Your life is kind of over after college. I’m trying to enjoy the experience as much as possible before I get a nine-to-five and become a shell of my former self,” Fabricated said. “Drinking on weekdays is our God-given right, and how do we play pong with no Solo cups?”

The school-wide bender is a multipurpose event, according to Fabricated. Partially, students are trying to decompress from the stress of the impending midterms week, but it is also because Eau Claire is only the ninth drunkest city in the United States.

“We go so hard here in Eau Claire,” Fabricated said. “We’re trying to get this city to number one, where it belongs. If dartying 12 hours a day is what it takes, then I’ll darty for 12 hours.”

Fabricated said spending hours out in the cold, trying to keep her energy up and alcohol down is not an easy feat, but it is something very important to her and her family.

“If my kids don’t come out of the womb shotgunning their bottles, I’m sending them back in,” Fabricated said.

The red Solo cup ban has set students back, but by no means deterred their efforts, according to a fictitious student who chose to remain anonymous for this interview.

The student said he, along with a few other students, have taken it upon themselves to smuggle red Solo cups from surrounding cities into Eau Claire, but it has not been an easy task.

“I got stopped by cops at the border once,” the student said. “I just told them it was my textbooks. They were wondering why I had five boxes of textbooks, but I told them I was in STEM and they didn’t question it.”

The student said red Solo cups have started to take over his life, but he is willing to make sacrifices for the cause.

“I got rid of my futon a week ago and just cover the boxes of cups with blankets until I drop them off at the darties,” the student said. “My roommate hasn’t even noticed yet. I haven’t actually seen him since the darty on Monday, though.”

The student said he is well aware of the risks of his operation, but it is a chance he is willing to take.

“I know I could get in a lot of trouble if I’m discovered,” the student said. “But it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for the greater good of Eau Claire.”

Price can be reached at [email protected].