This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The grand piano in the Davies Student Center is never occupied, yet the sound of piano music seems to fill the air continually, according to fourth-year music student Klarissa Makebelieve.

“It’s a constant,” said Makebelieve. “I think everyone is used to the incessant piano music at this point, but I look over and I never actually see anyone there playing it.”

A rumor has been bouncing around the music department for as long as any of the students can remember that the piano is played by the ghost of a music student who never graduated, according to Makebelieve.

“It’s so bogus that they make music majors take sciences,” Makebelieve said. “I heard the poor guy died before he could pass Geography 104.”

Makebelieve said she thinks a ghost is the most feasible answer to the mystery music.

“A lot of the music he plays is very melancholy, and if I was stuck in Davies for eternity, I’d be pretty bummed too,” Makebelieve said. “This is why I took oceanography to fill my K1 credit.”

Third-year psychology student Julia Notreal said she suspects the music is a form of collective hysteria being experienced by UW-Eau Claire students.

Notreal said she is working on a research project investigating what the source of this hysteria could be. She thinks it could be anything from mold in the vents to a shared level of stress by students.

“Lord knows the school doesn’t care enough to spend the money to get the vents cleaned,” Notreal said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some mold or undiscovered toxin growing, eliciting a widespread psychological reaction.”

Intense negative emotions can make people susceptible to hallucinations, according to Notreal. She said she believes that something about UW-Eau Claire is melding students’ minds in a way other universities do not.

“Something about this school has always seemed a little off to me, and in this project, I think I’ll finally be able to get to the bottom of it,” Notreal said. “As soon as I finish it, though, I’m out of this godforsaken school. I’m transferring to Stout next semester.”

Employee Nathan Fake has been working at the Davies Marketplace for six months, and said he has his own theories about the music.

“I heard somewhere that it’s a depressed STEM student playing the piano. I guess it makes sense. I’ve never heard of any happy person doing physics on purpose,” Fake said.

Fake said he is not completely sold on this story, though.

“You can tell which ones the STEM majors are when they come through the line because their eye bags are 10 times darker than everyone else’s,” Fake said. “I don’t believe for a minute that one would take a break to play Moonlight Sonata on the grand.”

Fake said whether the cause of the music is a ghost, a hallucination or a STEM student with time on their hands, he does not mind it at all.

“The classical piano music is so much better than the junk they play on the speakers,” Fake said. “This pop mumbo jumbo is rotting kids’ brains. I keep hearing something about Tyler Swept or Taylor Spift and some Eras tour. It’s driving me up a wall.”

With just over a month left in the school year, Notreal said her project will soon come to a close, answer or no answer.

“I’d love to know the source. I think it would bring me the closure I need before I leave this school and never come back,” Notreal said. “But at this point, I don’t care if I find the answer as long as I pass this class with an A.”

Price can be reached at [email protected].