Editor’s note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

As of April 25, all assignments at UW-Eau Claire must be submitted in the form of a TikTok, according to Director of Admissions Barbara Imaginary.

“I’ve been researching for months trying to figure out how to better appeal to the younger  generation, and after everything I’ve looked into, this was the clear choice,” Imaginary said.

Imaginary said she was hired by UW-Eau Claire largely because of her extensive background in marketing in hopes she would find a way to increase admissions. She said she felt completely prepared to take on this challenge.

“I studied marketing with an emphasis in social media at the University of Oxford, and I couldn’t think of a university more deserving of my skills than UW-Eau Claire,” Imaginary said. “This beautiful school needs to be taken to the next level, and I am the woman for the job.”

Calculus II professor Fiona Fallacy said she feels otherwise. 

“I’ve been teaching here for 15 years and I think this is complete b——-,” Fallacy said. “I’m not going to get up in front of my class and dance about derivatives, so why on Earth would I want my students to lip sync while they find them?”

Delegating TikTok as the only accepted format for assignments is a catastrophic choice for the university, according to Fallacy. She has heard talk of long-standing professors considering leaving, herself included.

“I won’t teach at a school that doesn’t take education seriously,” Fallacy said. “This is unprofessional and straight up disturbing. I will not stand for it.”

First-year undecided student Gerald Nonexistent said he does not have much of an opinion on the matter.

“If I’m being real, I don’t turn in assignments that much anyway — cuts into my gaming time,” Nonexistent said. “I guess adding text on a TikTok is easier than formatting a paper. What even is APA format? Or MLA? Why are there so many?”

The rest of the student body has mixed opinions, according to Nonexistent. Some love the change while others are infuriated by it.

“My poli sci friends are not happy,” Nonexistent said. “I didn’t listen to much after that part. Blah, blah, blah, Watergate. Who cares where the water went?”

One definite benefit of the change, Nonexistent said, is the decline in the necessity of Microsoft applications.

“I never figured out how to download Microsoft anyways. Uploading a TikTok is a lot easier than trying to save a Pages document as a docx,” Nonexistent said.

Despite her initial excitement about the change, Imaginary said she is shaken by the response she has received from the students and staff of UW-Eau Claire.

“I really thought people would love this. It’s marketing gold,” Imaginary said. “Some do, but the ones who don’t, they’re angry.”

Hate mail has been pouring in in the form of emails and letters, but the passionate people have gathered outside the admissions office, according to Imaginary.

“It was kind of you to agree to do this interview through the window,” Imaginary said. “I’m scared to come out from under my desk.”

Price can be reached at [email protected].