Editor’s note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The reputation of the formerly highly regarded Marketplace in the Davies Student Center has been destroyed since the discovery of illegal token handling among the workers.

Third-year criminal justice student Kaitlyn Sleight was given an assignment to investigate something on campus she thought seemed fishy. She said she wanted to finally crack the case of the constant bagel mishaps at Einstein Bros. Bagels in Centennial Hall.

“I swear every time I go to Einstein’s, they’re out of at least three different things,” Sleight said. “Plus, they get my order wrong half the time. Something has always seemed off to me.”

Sleight said she started her investigation with a stake-out. She sat at a corner table in the dining area by Einstein’s and watched the business functions for a few hours a day for a week.

Everything seemed to run smoothly for the most part, but one thing stood out to her. Workers from Marketplace would stop in throughout the day, but instead of waiting in line would head straight to the side entrance.

They wouldn’t leave holding a single meal or drink, but with a dozen or so bagels. At first, Sleight said she had assumed they were buying large orders to feed the workers, but then realized the Einstein’s workers would leave the interactions holding some kind of coins.

Sleight set up a fake organization table in the hall right next to Einstein’s to observe more closely and realized the currency being traded was BluBox tokens.

After this realization, she relocated again to the Davies Marketplace to try to find the source of the purchases.

“I wandered around the Marketplace and pretended to look at food, but I was really listening and observing,” Sleight said. “I finally saw a Blu Flame Grill worker sneak out mid-shift with a handful of tokens and tailed him.”

The worker stopped at a BluBox return machine, looked around to make sure no one was watching, and opened the back of the machine to remove a huge quantity of tokens, according to Sleight.

She followed him to EInstein’s where she saw him trade the tokens for bagels, as she’d been seeing workers do for a week, but this time, followed the Einstein’s employee out of Centennial and around to the bus stop.

Here, she followed the employee onto the 19 bus to Upper Campus. According to Sleight, the worker exited the bus and walked straight to Riverview Café in Hilltop. The worker walked back into the kitchen and handed a Hilltop worker a bag of coins in exchange for a massive tub of fries.

At this, Sleight came out from her hiding spot and confronted the Einstein’s worker, who dropped his tub of fries in shock. She said he tried to run, but slipped on the scattered fries.

“I stepped right in front of him and told him it was time to come clean,” Sleight said. “Thankfully, his expertise is in cream cheese, not deception, and he gave me a full confession right there.”

Sleight said the worker identified himself as Jack Bogus and said he had been working at Einstein’s on campus for seven years.

“He told me it was a cycle. The Marketplace workers brought tokens to Einstein’s in exchange for bagels, the Einstein’s workers brought tokens to Hilltop in exchange for fries and the Hilltop workers used tokens at Marketplace to purchase food,” Sleight said.

The devious operation Sleight said she had been expecting turned out to be because the UW-Eau Claire food service workers were sick of eating their own food.

Sushi Do employee Eli Fake said the cycle started last academic year when maggots were found in the ‘yaki bowl broccoli.

“We’re all in on it,” Fake said. “You can only eat one type of food for so long before the smell gets nauseating. Erbert and Gerbert’s and us had our own trade going we wouldn’t let the rest of them in on, so they started this whole token laundering scheme.

The case didn’t turn out to be as devious as Sleight said she expected it to be, but still concluded in an A+ paper for her class.

“I guess at the end of the day, not all crime is inherently evil,” Sleight said. “The only mala in se here is how bland the food is.”

Price can be reached at [email protected].