Just when Sonic and Mario began convincing us that video game movies can be good, Minecraft had to kick our hopes all the way down to the Nether. 

Video game movies have a long history, but it can be summed up pretty quickly as “they sucked.” Only recently have passable films based on video games been hitting the big screen.

So when it was announced that Minecraft, the best-selling video game ever, was getting a movie, it’s no surprise that most people kept their expectations low.

I was blown away by how disappointing the Minecraft Movie trailer was, and I’m not even a fan of the game. They somehow didn’t even meet the paltry expectations I had.

Most people would look at a cast including Jack Black and Jason Momoa and think they were in for a good time. Both are excellent actors in their own right. But the trailer does nothing to show either of them off.

Jack Black’s biggest line of the trailer is “I… am Steve.” Wow, Jack. Impeccable. I’m glad the same guy who explained hangovers to middle schoolers is being relegated to simply introducing himself. 

Jason Momoa says, “Pfft, okay.” That’s his only line in the trailer. Are these actors going to be as shafted in the film as they are in this preview?

The wasting of talent isn’t the primary thing wrong with the trailer. The premise, animation and humor are all awful as well. 

Why do video game movies all of a sudden need to have people from the real world getting transported into video game land? Films can simply take place within their world.

Imagine if Lord of the Rings had a 20-minute intro where Jimmy McHuman stumbled around his apartment and complained about his 9-5 flipping burgers before falling into a magical portal to the Shire. That would be silly. Plenty of stories can simply be confined within themselves.

This movie doesn’t look like Minecraft. It looks like someone asked an AI to make a Minecraft world. All of the fancy lighting and polishing work against the visual appeal of the game.

The blocks don’t look… well, “blocky” enough. They’re too smooth. The appeal of Minecraft is that the whole world looks handbuilt and that you can add whatever you want to it. Despite this, they’ve removed the Lego-like appeal of Minecraft’s graphics.

But what if the movie was funny? Maybe I could forgive all of this if this was a chuckle fest and simply enjoy some comedy, even if the rest of the movie fell flat. None of that matters, though, because the movie is the opposite of funny.

There are three moments where anything close to a joke happens. At the beginning of the trailer, a pink sheep baas. It moves its mouth in an overdramatic fashion. This is followed by someone going, “What the hell?” 

The next time is after Steve’s introduction. Momoa’s character simply says, “Pfft… okay,” and Emma Myers’ character calls Steve “a toolbag.” That’s it. That’s the joke. Are you laughing yet?

The last joke, and last clip of the trailer, is an alpaca opening its mouth, watching a stampede run by and closing its mouth. I don’t know what was supposed to be funny about it, but I can tell it was supposed to be funny.

Do you know who might have advice for the makers of the movie? Minecraft YouTube personalities. If the film looked like song parodies from the early 2010s such as “Revenge,” I think it would be much more appealing.

I know this is all very presumptuous of me for a movie that’s not even out yet. I truly do hope I’m wrong about everything. I hope that the movie looks great, has an excellent story and sends me reeling with laughter.

But if this is what they’re trying to advertise the movie on, my low expectations have hit rock bottom. They should be putting their best into the trailer to attract potential viewers to the film, and if this is their best, I’m keeping my nine dollars and just playing the game at home instead.

Tolbert can be contacted at [email protected]. What video game character should he play in a movie?