I started taking the antidepressant medication Lexapro for anxiety back when I was in my early teens. Since starting, I could tell it helped, but I never wanted to be on it my whole life. 

In January of this year, I halved my dosage because I wanted to start tapering off the drug. But I wasn’t prepared at all for how hard it was. 

About a week or so after cutting down my dose, I was experiencing a lot more tiredness and brain fog than usual. However, it wasn’t terrible, as this was at least a change from anxiety.

But I was surprised at just how long these effects lingered. I also started getting feelings of paranoia when waking up, feeling like everyone hated me or that I was a horrible person. 

When I went home for the summer, I had a dance performance to get ready for and the stress was hard, especially with low energy. Usually, a challenging situation would make me anxious, but the anxiety would also make me energetic.

Instead, I wasn’t excited about my upcoming performance much at all and found it hard to do so as much as practice. I was also way more irritated than usual with my family and snapped at them quicker. (Thanks to my family for putting up with me.)

Once the performance was over, I could relax more, and about midway through the summer, I finally felt like my symptoms were evening out. I also started with a new therapist and that change helped.

However, this was a really long six months to deal with and I was still on the drug. 

When I tried skipping a dose for a day, I felt way more irritable. I’m not sure if it was real or if I was just making it up, but it’s also hard to tell, as there is not a lot of information out there for stopping antidepressants.

As much internet searches as I did, it was hard to find official sources that could tell me more in detail what I was going through, which made me feel crazy.

It’s also hard to find support for going off of medications if you are having a problem, as most doctors will recommend the opposite: changing meds or getting a higher dosage. 

In books like “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life” by Daniel G. Amen, some doctors make the assertion that people with depression or anxiety just have chemical imbalances, and with medication and small lifestyle changes, this can be dealt with.

However, I refuse to believe people should have to be medicated for their entire life for what are very human emotions. 

Despite the long period of withdrawal, I noticed a lot of positive changes after going down on my dosage. 

One thing I noticed while on the drug was that I thought my emotions were dulled, and it turned out this was right. This year I have been feeling emotions more intensely than I have in a while.

I got way more excited to be with friends and talk to new people. I started listening to a lot more new music and really feeling the music as well. 

It felt like the medication helped a bit with my anxiety, but it kept me from getting to the core issues. Now that I am tapering and feeling more, it gave me the impetus to explore this in therapy.

The limited positive outcome and the brushed-over effects of withdrawal made me question this medication. 

I definitely think SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake inhibitors) are over-prescribed and not enough info is given to patients about their effects. I wish my doctor had given me more information about the withdrawal effects, or really more information at all. 

However, I still don’t condemn antidepressants. I know numerous people have been literally saved by being able to take them in periods of their lives where they really benefited from antidepressants. 

I just think it’s important to question this medication that is so commonly taken. Studies have shown that antidepressants are prescribed to about 1 in 10 people in the United States. I believe this is a really high number. 

Hopefully, in the future, there are at least more studies on antidepressant withdrawal, so those wanting to come off can have more information and coping strategies. 

I am still on a low dosage of the medication, but hope to be completely done someday. Since coming off sounds hard, I’m not sure when I’ll do it. 

Sonnek can be reached at [email protected].