While other students climbed the monkey bars and pushed each other on swings, I played with my binder of Pokémon cards with a select few others.

While my peers were struggling to read, I was always near or at the top of my class. When others made mistakes, I was quick to correct them.

Whereas most people may simply accept any meal they are offered, I begin by asking about the ingredients. I’ve always had a fear that something I don’t like is hidden in my food, even if that fear isn’t rational. 

As it turns out, these were all probably symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD. 

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I’ve known from a young age that I was different somehow. I wasn’t always capable of seeing the world the way my peers did. Whether it was academically or socially, I always felt that I was isolated. I still do, in a sense. 

The difference isn’t only in regard to my interests. There are plenty of neurotypical people who share my hobbies, like video games, anime and tabletop roleplaying. Even in those groups, I have always felt othered.

But so what? I could keep listing symptoms I remember from throughout my life, but why does it matter? What does this change for me?

The difference is that I understand more now. This diagnosis has moved me further along in my journey to understand myself and my place in the world.

Being diagnosed was a lightbulb moment for me. I always knew it was something. My child psychologists said I didn’t have autism, and as an adult, I got tested for ADHD and other disorders before being told I had ASD, Level 1.

Did I mention that this was less than two months ago? Yeah, I got diagnosed at the age of 24. That’s not a super common tale these days. 

Most resources revolving around ASD are targeted at children or parents of children with the disorder. The stigma around autism is already hard enough to break: it’s even more challenging when society doesn’t offer you the help you need.

I always wondered why I couldn’t flirt with someone without feeling like I was imposing on them. I wondered why, on nearly every team I’ve ever been on, I’ve felt like I couldn’t approach anybody else.

I could never comprehend why I always felt like I was either the smartest person in the room or the dumbest. I didn’t understand why I even felt the need to compare my intelligence to those around me.

Food has also consistently been a hurdle for me. I’ve been a picky eater my entire life. From a young age, I’ve refused to eat food I didn’t want to eat. 

Now I understand why I do these things. The hard part is finding strategies to cope. I haven’t changed the way I behave. I liked me before I was diagnosed, and I like me now. I’ve managed to survive this long doing things my way, so why change?

I’m still not entirely sure what my next step is. My doctor recommended I reach out to the Autism Society of Greater Wisconsin for support and to connect with like-minded individuals. I haven’t yet, and I really don’t know why.

Diagnosis or no diagnosis, I’m still unabashedly myself. My diagnosis has helped me understand myself better, and while I don’t exactly know what I’ll use this knowledge for yet, I do know that I can still name more Pokémon than anybody else.

Tolbert can be reached at tolbernj7262@uwec.edu. Tell him all the symptoms you’ve observed.