Editor’s note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.
Artificial Intelligence used to be considered a major issue on campus due to its illicit use by students. Recently, however, AI has been embraced by university administration and integrated into campus life intentionally, according to ex-chemistry professor Francene Fictitious.
“It is absolutely outrageous,” Fictitious said. “The university has taken it upon themselves to begin replacing professors with AI, and I was the first to go.”
UW-Eau Claire was having budget issues, according to Fictitious, and admins were desperate for ways to rein in the university’s spending. Labor costs, which include professors’ salaries, represent a major portion of the university’s budget.
The university admins started trying out professor replacement in the subjects they felt could most easily be explained by AI. The professor cuts began in the sciences, according to Fictitious.
“The Dean of Students pulled up ChatGPT, asked it to explain titration and suddenly my tenure meant nothing,” Fictitious said.
Business professors were the next to go, but fourth-year finance student Sam Sham said he did not even notice the switch in his professors.
“I’m the president of Sigma Busch Apple,” said Sham. “I’m busy. I’ve been sending a pledge to class for me. Apparently, his attendance has been down, because this is the first I’m hearing of this.”
Sham said the switch in professors did not make a difference to him. He is more than familiar with ChatGPT.
“I think this will make school less work. I used to search up all the answers, and now my professors are doing it for me,” Sham said. “It seems chill.”
Ex-creative writing professor Jacob Nonexistent said he disagreed.
“This AI professor replacement is a disgrace to all higher education,” Nonexistent said. “AI isn’t advanced enough to comprehend the liberal arts. Creative writing, and literature as a whole, are deeply personal and require human intelligence and empathy.”
Nonexistent said AI is incredibly easy to distinguish from authentic, human writing, and he has been lucky never to have an academic misconduct issue in one of his classes.
“I always held my students to the highest of standards,” Nonexistent said. “I know they are — were, truly dedicated to their learning and would never participate in such tomfoolery.”
However, second-year English and creative writing student Desiree Imaginary said she shared a different sentiment.
“I use AI for my poetry assignments all the time. I’m not even sure what a sonnet is,” Imaginary said. “Nonexistent went crazy over my Pedro Pascal limerick. That was all ChatGPT.”
The school system has faced major backlash from the community, according to Chief Financial Officer Marcy Makebelieve.
“The budget was tight. We can’t take more money out of the food budget. We’ve already replaced Hilltop hamburgers with styrofoam,” Makebelieve said. “We had no other choice.”
Makebelieve said there are not enough interns to read all the angry emails the university has been receiving, so she’s started putting all of them through an AI program. The program consolidates the information and sorts it into key points.
“The most used words in the emails were, well, I don’t want to be on record saying those,” she said.
The university admins are looking into other ways to adjust the budget and hopefully bring back more human professors. Makebelieve said she looked at the phone screen of the HR director sitting next to her at the last meeting and saw him texting with his Snapchat AI.
“I’m getting worried,” Makebelieve said. “I think they might replace me next.”
Price can be reached at pricekb7791@uwec.edu.
