Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.
In a move that shocked nobody, UW-Eau Claire announced its plans to defund its wizardry department.
In an official statement from the school, they said all students currently enrolled in associated majors and minors will be able to finish their degrees, but starting next semester, they will not be open to incoming students.
Some students, such as third-year Illusion magic student Magnus Verantius, said he was outraged by the news.
“Basic understanding of magic is useful for all sorts of majors,” Verantius said. “Sure, not many people were taking psychokinesis 309, but that doesn’t mean they should defund the entire department.”
Others, such as instructor Finkonium XIII, were not as shocked.
“I’m saddened by the news, of course, but the writing has been on the wall,” Finkonium said. “I’ve been teaching the introductory classes for every school of magic for two years, but I specialize in Restoration. I barely know the first thing about conjuring fire and frost.”
Public speculation about the future of the wizardry department has run rampant since last year when known anti-magic advocate Grimvar Darkraven joined the board of directors.
Darkraven has authored many famous tomes championing the anti-magic movement, such as “A Return to Our Roots: Why Alchemy Will Outlive Wizardry” and “Witches and Warlocks Right Under Our Noses.”
“Magic research has gone too far,” Darkraven said in a public statement. “The students of today just want an easy answer to things. They think they can just wave their wands and turn something into gold. We don’t want them thinking they can take shortcuts.”
In the statement, Darkraven said the school would be allocating more funds to the blacksmithing and alchemy departments, pushing what he called “hands-on” work.
Finkonium is one of many instructors who disagree with Darkraven’s philosophy.
“I’m not saying that alchemy and blacksmithing are unimportant. Far from it,” Finkonium said. “But the study of magic gives students insight that no other programs can. Did you know that four out of five psychology majors have a minor or emphasis in Illusion magic?”
Some wizards and professors of high renown have taken to uploading lectures for free on the internet. The subjects range from how to mend fabric to delving into the mind of a loved one to save them from nightmares.
“To everybody whose bloodline is currently affected by a generational curse, good luck,” Finkonium said. “Thanks to moves like this, the number of people who can purge the sin of your ancestors is shrinking by the day.”
Following the announcement, UW-Eau Claire saw a decline in registration for the next semester. It is currently unknown what effect, if any, this will have on the school in the long run.
Darkraven does not seem to be concerned about the potential effect this may have on the school’s registration numbers and finances.
“Money? Registration? I don’t need to bother with such trivialities,” Darkraven said. “Magic is dangerous. The less of it there is in the world, the better.”
Public speculation claims that Darkraven is actually a member of an ancient line of sorcerers and wishes to eliminate his opposition. We have reached out to Darkraven regarding this matter but he has refused to comment.
Tolbert can be reached at tolbernj7262@uwec.edu. Learn a dying school of magic from him.
