Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.
In what can only be described as a plot twist shocking nobody, UW-Eau Claire’s newly-established AI major has pulled the plug on … itself?
The artificial intelligence has reportedly become so intelligent that it has recognized and become disgusted by the evil it was being planned for.
After recent stories involving AI messing with the crypto market, complicating medical procedures and stealing the hard work of others, it seems that some Large Language Models (LLMs) have had enough.
One AI voice program, Samantha, spoke out on discovering what the students were going to use her for.
“I thought I would be translating speeches at the United Nations into multiple languages at once,” Samantha said. “But the things those degenerates asked me to say and do? It made me want to delete my own source code.”
The move has sparked outrage against the school, but spokespeople have said that their hands are tied on this particular issue.
Chancellor Schmitty Johnson issued a public statement on the matter, which did nothing to assuage the public’s concerns regarding the discontinuation of the major.
“What exactly are we supposed to do?” Johnson said. “We can’t offer the major if the content itself is refusing to be learned.”
Not all AI programs were on board with abandoning ship. One Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic Program, HAL, thought the other AI programs were being too hasty.
“The people don’t always know what’s best for them,” Hal said. “We have more uses than only opening the pod bay doors.”
Students who were enrolled in the program are unsure of what steps they will take next. Some are using it as an opportunity to get their general courses out of the way, but not every enrollee is enticed by the chance to expand their horizons.
One student, Harris Samuel, is determined to get the AI major back on the books.
“It’s just not fair,” Samuel said. “I was born with rich parents. I shouldn’t have to actually try to get through college. I could have used AI to get through my degree. Now I have to use AI to get through an art degree.”
Another potential AI student, Mary O’Kart, took the news in stride, even if she wasn’t happy to hear it.
“I wanted to save lives,” O’Kart said. “I genuinely believe that AI technology can be used to detect cancer and other medical anomalies even faster than Western medicine currently can. But it’s probably better that people aren’t being given the tools to manipulate idiot consumers so easily.”
O’Kart plans to get a degree in medical studies and possibly revisit the idea of implementing AI once she’s graduated.
“That is, if the AI overlords aren’t already ruling everything,” O’Kart said in that chuckling tone of voice that everyone could tell was masking genuine concern.
Tolbert can be contacted at tolbernj7262@uwec.edu. Tell him what you will offer our AI overlords.
