Editor’s note: None of this advice is meant to be taken seriously, we highly suggest you don’t take it. 

Being an athlete-student is hard. With balancing bills, school and the crushing weight of the world, it does not leave much time to exercise.

That’s why I’m here to shift the narrative on habits you may think are unhealthy but actually have benefits. 

Caffeine

Whether it’s coffee, energy drinks or being an absolute menace and swallowing caffeine pills, we athlete-students need the extra boost to get through our rigorous academic studies. 

Some might say that heavy daily caffeine intake is bad for the heart. Or they might say that drinking caffeine after 3 p.m. negatively impacts sleep quality. To these groups, I say nay. 

The heart is a muscle. Athlete-students don’t have the time to run or do cardio every day. Caffeine is a substance that exercises your heart by making it beat faster. If you want your heart to race faster and faster every day, consume as much caffeine as you can. 

It’s a no-brainer. A faster beating heart is a harder working heart. Athlete students want the hardest working heart around. So drink three Bangs a day. It will only make your heart faster and better than everyone else’s. 

Hydration

Speaking of liquids, let’s move on to hydration. Athlete-students have to juggle hectic daily schedules that take them all across campus and the surrounding Eau Claire area. 

Athlete-students can’t be slowed down, and one of the biggest wastes of time is bathroom breaks. There’s only one way to remedy that. Don’t drink water. 

Not drinking water has many benefits. First, it reduces the need to use the bathroom during the day. With long bathroom lines and having to be awkwardly vulnerable around strangers, public restrooms are just best to be avoided. 

Secondly, it reduces sweat. Nobody likes to be drenched in sweat after walking up the hill, from off-campus housing to class or being layered up in the winter to suddenly being toasty in overly heated academic buildings. With no water, there’s no sweat. 

Thirdly, water is a crutch. Just grow up, water is a tool used by the big water companies to line their pockets. 

Hygiene

Showers are so bourgeoisie. It wastes the most precious commodity known to athlete-students — their time. With so little time in the day, why waste it on a 30-45 minute hygiene routine? 

To better maximize the time in a day, forgo a shower. Use baby wipes and body spray instead. That takes approximately one minute. 

Don’t brush your teeth either. Cavities build character. 

Nutrition

Some say that a balanced diet that includes protein, carbohydrates, vegetables and fruit is essential to a healthy life. I agree. That’s where Kwik Trip comes in handy. 

To get a balanced diet, an athlete student should exclusively eat Kwik Trip egg rolls. This covers carbohydrates, protein and vegetables. To get the fruit, we go to the above point — caffeinated beverages. 

Energy drinks have fruit-themed flavors. This means they basically are fruit. This means they both strengthen your heart and give a healthy serving of fruit. 

Sleep

Don’t sleep. It’s a scam. The blanket, pillow and mattress industries have been colluding with each other for a long time on this one. 

Recently, even tea companies such as Celestial Seasonings have been getting in on this scam with their Sleepytime Tea products. 

Instead of sleeping, watch TV. This stimulates your brain and is better for retaining knowledge than studying. To achieve a 4.0 GPA, athlete students should exclusively watch “Rick and Morty” instead of sleeping. 

Adams can be reached at [email protected].