Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.
Miami Beach, and the state of Florida, is a popular destination for spring breakers. Despite attempts from city and state officials to ward off these travelers, many will still make the flight, including UW-Eau Claire’s mascot Blu the Blugold.
While Blu will have several obstacles in their way, the entire student body is rooting for them to get a break. A break Blu very much deserves. One of these challenges, however, is city officials in Miami Beach.
Quintillian Aviator Jr., a new mayor recently elected in November, and his commission are determined to rain on Blu’s parade by taking drastic measures to end spring break traditions in the city, as stated in a social media post.
“This isn’t working anymore. And it’s not us. It’s you,” said Aviator Jr. in the advertisement.
The advertisement was posted on social media networks such as Instagram and directly targeted Blu with hateful rhetoric.
“We don’t need any off-brand blue Big Bird encouraging shenanigans in our city,” a spokesperson for the city said.
Another measure being taken, the removal of sidewalk tables and chairs, has been seen as an intentional exclusionary tactic to birds and other winged creatures who are planning for a trip down south.
Their removal makes it more difficult for bigger birds to take off and touch down from flight, as well as limits access to bird-accessible seating.
Billy Birdnest, who is the president of the Humans for Birds Coalition, said he is disgusted by this latest action.
“I truly think it is despicable,” Birdnest said. “Birds need this right to go south during the winter months, especially when temperatures vary drastically like they have in Eau Claire. For Pete’s sake, it is in their DNA to fly south.”
Despite this, many public bird nest facilities are also charging outrageous rates to try and deter winged visitors. One nest parking garage is charging $100 per hour, an inaccessible rate for many.
Many birds representing schools around the country are speaking out against Florida’s actions and coming to Blu’s defense. The Oregon Duck even posted a lengthy rant on X, formerly known as Twitter, defending his long-time friend.
“Birds are very beneficial in our society and I’m sick and tired of being treated otherwise,” the Oregon Duck said. “Blu is one of these birds that makes anyone in the room smile, so this hate is not only evil but completely unwarranted.”
“Birds and humans around the United States are disappointed in the actions of Florida officials,” said Dewey the Duhawk, the mascot for Loras College in Dubuque, Iowa. “It is truly awful that officials have even directed certain measures against Blu. Blu is a good bird and wouldn’t even hurt a fly.”
Dewey has also started a petition to change these discriminatory rules and it has been signed by several notable birds including Hokie Bird from Virginia Tech, Iggy from Marquette University and Herky the Hawk from Iowa University, among others.
Blu hasn’t directly made an appearance to address these issues, but issued a statement saying “I still plan to make the trip to Miami Beach next week. We cannot let hate stand in the way.”
Moris can be reached at [email protected].
