Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.
The Easter Bunny, the CEO of the Easter holiday, attempted a soft launch to cancel chocolate as the main food for Easter and replace the confection with carrots.
As the 2024 Easter season began, Bunny said that he wanted to remove chocolate as the leading treat for the Easter holiday. They were inspired by the lack of snow this past winter due to Jack Frost, and you can read more about Frost’s snowless winter at spectatornews.com.
“I was terrified that all the chocolate would melt outside during Easter when Santa and Jack were fighting. Then I thought, ‘what if I didn’t even have chocolate?’” Bunny said. “By the time the snow came back, I was ready to replace the chocolate anyway.”
Bunny said that chocolate was too unhealthy of a food to promote for his spring holiday, wanting to promote healthy eating and getting good vitamins for outdoor activities.
“I’m in charge of a spring holiday. Not one of those winter ones like Halloween or Christmas where all people eat are sweets. I want to be different,” Bunny said. “My favorite food is carrots, everyone knows that. Why isn’t that my main treat?”
According to the Tooth Fairy, most people were surprised by the change and thought it was an early April Fools Joke.
The Tooth Fairy said that she supports the chocolate sales, but recommends people brush and floss after. She said that people should be able to treat themselves.
According to Business Insider, around $91 million worth of chocolate bunnies are sold in the U.S. every year. According to the GWP group, Cadbury Eggs sell around $520 million at current conversion rates.
Bunny’s announcement shocked people but came too late to change the current stocks of Easter candy manufactured for March. This resulted in a similar-looking Easter to past years, but some individuals questioned purchasing this year.
“I always buy chocolate for Easter, but maybe I could buy carrots instead,” Santa Claus said. “I usually eat a lot of sweets around Christmas so I questioned if it could be beneficial for my cholesterol to eat some vegetables this spring.”
Bunny said they have already planted new carrot fields to fully implement this change for the 2025 Easter season. They said the planting has also brought their rabbit liaisons closer to the ground and given better egg-hiding practice.
Bunny also said that they’ve never been able to eat chocolate anyway. According to PETA, chocolate is poisonous to rabbits. Just like dogs, feeding chocolate to rabbits can make them sick and too much could kill them.
“I’m not saying you can’t eat chocolate anymore, but we as a brand want to get away from candy as our main image,” Bunny said. “We want to remind kids and the masses that they need to eat vegetables too.”
Fisher can be reached at [email protected].
