He said …
Well, it’s Thursday and soon my weekend will begin with happy hour on Water Street. Of course, at that point, it’ll be a few hours before many of the women are dressed and ready to go out. Then again, I’ll probably need a few drinks to prepare myself for the impending social mating ritual.
Now, we all know that it takes you women an inordinate amount of time to get ready for a night on the town.
However, somewhere amidst all of this preparation, you girls forget that it’s March and you’re in Wisconsin. So you end up shivering your way to the bars in some tube top or the like. You want my advice? Wear a sweater. A little common sense goes a long way when trying to attract Mr. Right.
Seriously, what motivates the enormous effort you put forth towards your appearance? To the untrained eye, it would seem that you dress up just to stand around in a circle and awkwardly sip your cocktails. However, most men are perceptive enough to approach you and give you the attention that you obviously crave. But rather than appreciate this, you keep looking over our shoulders to see who else is at the bar.
And you say that we’re bad listeners.
Along those lines, it’s not my fault that all the makeup you share makes you look so similar that I have trouble remembering which three of you are “Sarah” and which one is “Kate.” So stop getting all offended when we forget your name the next morning.
And let’s not forget the mind games you people play. Women are constantly saying things they don’t mean, like “You don’t have to buy me a drink” or “Stop hitting on me, loser.” Man, quit pretending to play hard-to-get.
Personally, I know after receiving a dose of female hostility, I’m ready for a shot. With my luck, however, I’ll wind up waiting in line behind a chick who is taking forever to order some fruity drink that requires eight ingredients and squanders two minutes of my life. To top it off, she’ll probably waste more time rummaging through the clutter-filled chasms of her purse looking for a 20-spot she probably stole from daddy’s wallet.
And I’m sure that her old man would be proud of her dance performances on the “slut box” of the Nasty Habit.
Speaking of disreputable behavior, pretty soon we’re going to be seeing a lot of belly shirts at the bars – as if the two sit-up workouts at Crest Wellness Center in preparation for Spring Break have made any difference. Hey, don’t get upset – I’m just giving you some of that forthright honesty you claim to desire from men.
By the way, what is it about bathrooms that necessitates that you all go together? In an ideal world, I’d think you were checking each other for lumps. However, as is often the case with women, I’d be misled. For example, just recently it was brought to my attention that women poop too!
That’s all right, though, because we men are forgiving. Fortunately for you, we’ve come to expect and tolerate all of your peculiar behaviors. So yes, despite your faults, we will be gentlemen and walk you home tonight. Wink wink.
She said …
Ahh, the bar scene. A place to hang out with your friends, have a few drinks and a lot of laughs. However, this is not a respectable place to meet the next mister or misses.
There are those few instances where a couple locks eyes from across the beer soaked, cigarette haven bar and begin a long romance, but it’s very uncommon.
This ultimately resides from the fact women and men have very different experiences and approaches when heading out into the bar scene.
There’s a certain process that each gender must take in preparation for a night on Water Street.
I’m not going to lie, I know we women take a heck of a long time to get ready and try on at least five outfits before we’re completely satisfied.
But we have so much we need to do. We aren’t like the typical ogre man and are able to just roll out of bed, throw on a semi-clean shirt and head out.
Women, instead, take part in an activity very uncommon to the normal male species. It’s called showering. Once we’ve showered, we begin the process of “getting ready.”
Just so you men know, we’re not getting dolled up to impress you. Sorry to burst your bubble. We enjoy going out and looking cute and having all of our girlfriends say, “Oh my God! You look so cute!”
Now, I am well aware that it is March and the temperature outside is below frigid. However, when the weekend rolls around and everyone piles into the bar, it can all of a sudden feel as though you are in a sauna.
But c’mon, I know you guys aren’t all that upset about seeing a little extra skin in the middle of winter. Granted, I have been keeping a cold from mid-January that just won’t seem to go away, and I’m pretty positive that is from the bar-to-bar sprints I’ve been taking.
Once we’ve made the mad dash into the bar and begin to defrost, the first thing we do is look around to see if we know anyone. Women have been labeled to stand in a “circle of death.” But unlike the perception most of you guys get, we are mostly at the bar to have fun with our friends – not to be picked-up by you.
Sorry. When we blow you off it’s not because we’re snotty girls, it’s just that we’re not there to have you come up to us and say “Hey, nice rack … mind if I dry hump your leg for a while?”
However, if you men strike up a decent conversation with us and don’t come off gross and creepy, then we might just let you buy us a drink.
Kidding of course, but you can’t complain about spending so much money at the bar when you go out and offer girls a free drink.
Sorry to say, but a lot of us are poor girls, and no, daddy isn’t funding our bar runs. So, we’re not going to say no to a free drink. If the roles were reversed you know you wouldn’t either.
And another thing, as much as you want to think we’re playing “hard-to-get,” we’re not. I guarantee we just don’t like you.
College life really is too short to deal with mind games and broken hearts, so instead of trying to make it work with the guy you picked up at the bars, why not just go out and have fun with your friends?
It’ll be better than having to tell your parents you met your new boyfriend on the ho-box at Shenanigan’s.
