This edition of Ask Anything will be the last for Mark. I’m heading off to sunny New Mexico next spring, but rest assured the void will somehow be filled.

So I hope I have provided “all the right responses to your romantic queries,” and I hope you learned a thing or two from a guy who’s been there, done that.

Well, maybe not that last part, but I hear things.

And if you have any burning questions about urinal etiquette or sexperts, I’m always a telegraph away.

But after this here column, I will make like a student senator and yield the remainder of my time.

Lately I’ve been having these attractions to women with ham sandwiches. I don’t know why but for some reason I can’t stop thinking of a girl biting into a big Virginia ham sandwich with the mayo running down her chin and her looking up so coyly at me. Sooo hot!!! What’s wrong with me?
– Hungry for answers

I don’t know if anything is wrong with you, per se. It would all depend on what she looked like.

For example, Lindsay Lohan could look good when she wakes up in the morning (and especially the last week or so she’s been adorable) or if, taking your example, she had mayo running down her face. It simply wouldn’t matter.

Now, if the woman you’re referring to is Sally Jesse Raphael, then I would be concerned. Sally doesn’t look good dressed up and in make up, so the thought of her sloppily eating a Virginia ham sandwich makes me physically sick.

Why do dorms have those stupid-ass quiet hours anyway? Everyone is so bent out of shape about this RA religion crap, but nobody looks into the whole residence hall infringing on our rights they take part in every night.

But honestly, aren’t they infringing our rights by forcing us to pay for our residency there and then tell us when to be quiet?
– Quiet Riot

That answer is pretty simple: If you don’t like it, leave! Especially if you were, say, a fifth-year senior who had plenty of chances to move off campus.

Actually, if you were a fifth-year senior you would know the benefits of quiet hours – more sleep for the sleepless, less drunken debauchery and just overall law and order.

“Infringing our rights” is the dumbest thing I’ve probably heard in this space. The loud music is infringing on my right to a good night sleep in my own home.

Somewhere right now, there’s a kid who has a big speech tomorrow and can’t sleep because some drunkard is walking the halls with a bottle of vodka singing DMX, or DMC or DMV, at the top of his lungs.

And besides, if you lived in a house and the police gave you a noise violation after the neighbors called, would they be infringing your rights?

Of course they wouldn’t, it’s necessary so that peace can prevail.

Ask anything is a weekly question and advice column. Brian Reisinger and Mark Schaaf are alternating columnists.