To kick off a wild ride diving deep into the weirdest, craziest state laws across the nation, it’s best to start right here in Wisconsin. In a land full of dairy-themed sports teams and cows around every corner, it isn’t actually all that crazy that there are some laws surrounding our favorite food group.

According to the Wisconsin State Statutes, under Section 97:5, “the serving of oleomargarine or margarine to students, patients, or inmates of any state institutions as a substitute for table butter is prohibited, except that such substitution may be ordered by the institution superintendent when necessary for the health of a specific patient or inmate, if directed by the physician in charge of the patient or inmate.”

You heard it, folks. In state-run institutions, such as UW-Eau Claire, it is illegal for margarine to be substituted for butter unless specifically requested.

If you’re like me, you’re wondering how such a law came into being. What kind of sick, twisted, butter-hating maniac is going around swapping out butter for margarine and tricking people into smearing the incorrect condiment onto their pre-dinner roll at Hilltop?

It’s a conspiracy, man. From 1865 until 1967, margarine, also known as “the demon spread” (petition to bring that name back?) was banned in the state of Wisconsin in sales and in use. Now why was the demon spread banned in the first place? It’s simple: Wisconsinites are butter purists and dairy is big business.

When major magnates in the dairy industry found out that margarine was making headway in consumer markets, they started a smear campaign against the butter substitute, even going the distance and persuading lawmakers to make it illegal.

While the legalization of margarine in the state of Wisconsin came around in 1967, lawmakers and dairy conglomerates weren’t finished hating it. This is where Wisconsin State Statute section 97:5 comes into play. State-run institutions cannot substitute margarine for butter, unless it’s specifically asked for.

The crusade against the demon spread continues today. Though margarine is now legal in the state of Wisconsin, it is not to be confused with butter at any point. There are multiple distinctions about the appearance of margarine and how it cannot be mistaken for butter at any cost.

The penalty for breaking these slippery laws are not messing around either.

According to subsection 97:6, “Any person who violates any provision of this section may be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500 or imprisoned not more than 3 months or both; and for each subsequent offense may be fined not less than $500 nor more than $1,000 or imprisoned in the county jail not less than 6 months nor more than one year.”

Basically, if you do the crime, you’ve got to do the time. We take our dairy seriously in Wisconsin. Any impromptu substitution inside of a state-run institution without prior consent will not be tolerated. Serious dairy for serious business

Van Allen can be reached at [email protected].