This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

After what can only be described as a humiliating, life-altering moment, local 21-year-old Tia Johnson had the unfortunate mishap of thinking “lit” was still a cool thing to say.

In a class mostly full of first-year students, Johnson had the audacity to raise her hand after the professor asked if the apparent dead term was still “a thing.” The rest of the class, on the other hand, stayed silent.

“It was humiliating,” Johnson said of the blunder. “I threw away any ounce of hip I had left in less than two seconds.”

The UW-Eau Claire student said she’s never considered herself old. As a newly turned 21-year-old, Johnson said she frequents the bars, where she recognizes “at least half” of the music played.

However, after what Johnson has begun referring to as “the incident,” she said she now feels the need to “get hip with the kids.”

“I’ve found myself asking random 18-year-olds about memes and music,” Johnson said. “I used to know everything. Now what? I just accept that life is fleeting and I’m officially a loser?”

Lacey Smith, Johnson’s self-described “cooler, younger” friend, commented on Johnson’s outdated taste in music as well.

“She hasn’t stopped listening to ‘Mo Bamba’ (by Shek Wes) since it got big last summer,” Smith said. “She keeps requesting it at The Pickle. Even they don’t want to play it anymore. It’s ridiculous.”

Smith expressed concern for her friend.

“She’s gone crazy,” Smith said. “She keeps using words like ‘yeet’ and ‘dank’ in some pitiful attempt to get in touch with her inner 19-year-old self.”

Johnson described her ideal day as a day sitting at home by the fire with a cup of coffee or, if it’s after 5 p.m., maybe a refreshing IPA. She’ll give bonus points, she said, if there’s a binge-watching session of “Brooklyn-99” involved.

She said she realizes this isn’t a normal “young person” activity — especially for those enrolled in college.

“I’m over the party life,” said Johnson, who has been of legal drinking age for less than a year. “Yeah, I still go out sometimes, but once the clock hits 11:30 p.m., I better be in bed or I’ll be real cranky the next day.”

To become hip again, Johnson said she has a plan to achieve her goals.

The first point of her plan, she said, is to read up on what she referred to as youth culture. To do this, Johnson followed all the Kardashians on Instagram, and is keeping up-to-date on the recent Jordyn Woods/Khloe Kardashian cheating scandal.

Meanwhile, Johnson has been drinking kombucha and Juuling in an attempt to relate with her 18-year-old counterparts.

Bryce Smith, a first-year marketing student, is one of Johnson’s classmates. He said he’s sick of Johnson’s antics.

“She started vaping in class and none of us understand why,” Smith explained. “She always brings me kombucha though, so I guess that’s kind of OK. The gal should really be living it up, though. My mom said 21-year-olds have all the power in the world.”

Wentland can be reached at [email protected].